LAURIE C. SCHULTZ

The Queen of all Things...

PIGGY'S ADVICE!!!!

Have a question, or just need some plain ol' advice?  Ask Pig.  She knows all.  Her wisdom far exceeds that of the most knowledgeble of oracles.  She gives Confucious a run for his yen!!   

 

Click the link below to ask the Pig.  Answers will be provided on this page.  (Don't forget to provide your name and email if you want a direct response too).

 

http://www.laurieschultz.com/askpiggy.htm

**WARNING:  THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED BY THE PIG ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF LAURIESCHULTZ.COM OR AFFILIATES.  READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.  PIG DOES NOT TEST ANY ANSWERS ON ANIMALS.  ALL RESPONSES ARE ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY.  IF RESPONSES GET INTO EYES, RINSE THOROUGHLY AND CONTACT PHYSICIAN.  DO NOT READ WHILE DRIVING OR OPERATING ANY HEAVY MACHINERY.  DO NOT CONSUME MORE THAN TEN RESPONSES IN 24 HOURS.  IF YOUR PALMS ARE HAIRY, CONSIDER CHANGING YOUR HABITS.

**The following questions were actually submitted to The Pig through this site.  Piggy regrets that she cannot answer all fan mail, but is determined to provide honest, integrity-filled answers to those lucky few who have been chosen.

QUESTION:

May 30, 2008

Dear Piggy,

What am I teaching next year?

Signed,
Anonymous

PIGGY SAYS:

What are any of us doing next year?  Listen, anonymous... don't worry about later -live in the "now".  For all we know, any one of us could sneak through the screen door, run into the street and become road-kill at any given point.  Why worry about later?  That is, unless of course, you are planning something wonderful for me in the future.  In that case -please, by all means, plan away!  A surprise party perhaps?  An Ed McMann-type, front-door surprise with a lifetime supply of tuna?  That is really the only time one should contemplate the future -if there is something in it for me.  Otherwise, live on the edge --be the candle in the wind -the feather in the breeze -the fruit of the loom.... wait... no... scratch that last one.

Do you want to know what you SHOULD teach?  You SHOULD teach people how to accommodate ME.  The world has a lot to learn.

Signed,
Piggy

 

 

 

QUESTION:
January 12, 2007 

Dear Piggy,
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Signed,
Anonymous.

PIGGY SAYS:

Just like everyone else, they want to be close to me.  You see, on the day that I was born the angels got together and decided to create a dream come true... Yeah... that's me.

Signed,
Piggy




QUESTION:
January 4, 2007 

Dear Piggy,
Do these pants make me look fat?
Signed,
Anonymous.

PIGGY SAYS:

It's not the pants.

Signed,
Piggy


 

QUESTION:
March 24, 2006 

Dear Piggy,
What's love got to do, got to do with it?
Signed,
Ike T.

PIGGY SAYS:

Ike T., huh?  Love is nothing but a second hand emotion.   By the way... Roll THIS down the river: You suck.

Signed,
Piggy

 


QUESTION:
March 19, 2006 

Dear Piggy,
Were there any llamas at the Nativity?
Signed,
Teresa

PIGGY SAYS:

Yeah....they carried the straw.

Signed,
Piggy



QUESTION:
March 19, 2006 

Dear Piggy,
In all your celebrity hobknobbing, have you ever heard what happened to
Peabo Bryson?
Signed,
P. Bryson


PIGGY SAYS:

Well, well, well... Look who's come crawling out of the woodwork.  Once again, Peabo Bryson is trying to use the celebrity status of yours truly to elevate (if not save) what's left of his career.  Some people just need to learn that when you're dead, lie down.  Peabo, I thought you learned your lesson last time.  I am not your launch pad.  Leave me alone.  One would think the restraining order would be a clear enough message, BUT I GUESS NOT!  Unless we have to involve the authorities  yet AGAIN, if you know what's good for you, you'd go and harass Celine Dion or something.  See if SHE can cut you a break.  She owes you one.  She clenched your coat-tails pretty tightly back when she wasn't "de best singer in de world" (I am pounding my chest as I say that).  Ask her what became of your career.  Perhaps she stole it.

Signed,
Piggy

 

 

QUESTION:
March 14, 2006

Dear Piggy,
How do they get that creamy caramel into the Caramilk bar?
Signed,
Wondering

PIGGY SAYS:

It is a little known fact that there is a creature, much like the Chupacabra, that sneaks into your house at night -in pure Santa Claus fashion, and tampers with the food in your cupboards.  Centuries ago, this creature, the CARAMILKASAURUS roamed the earth, sneaking into dwellings, and licked all the perishable food products within.  Only 5 centimetres in height, the CARAMILKASAURUS went virtually undetected.  After going from residence to residence, licking all food in sight, the creature would have to void his bowels.   The waste material was a chocolate like substance with a sweet creamy filling, and became a delicacy to those who happened to find this delicious treat.  It sounds slightly disturbing upon first hearing of this revelation, however, we must remember that it isn't as bad as it sounds.  The best coffee in the world has passed through the digestive tract of the Luack -an exotic, cat-like creature.  The Luack eats the coffee beans, and as they move through its system, the chemical processes give them a chocolaty-type flavour.  This, too, is a delicacy for which connoisseurs pay top dollar.  We are just fortunate that a CARAMILK bar is affordable for the rich and poor alike.   The CARAMILKASAURAS is not to be feared, but revered!  This legendary creature -like the Yeti and the Loch Ness Monster, is elusive and has become the subject of much investigation.  Many cultures have their own version of the CARAMILK secret, but the one constant is the creamy caramel goodness within.  I, for one, say "thank you, CARAMILKASAURAS", for what would become of our collective "sweet tooth" without your delicious feces?

Signed,
Piggy


QUESTION:
March 13, 2006


Snowkitty
meet me at the rendevous STOP have HUAC information STOP will be
wearing white sportcoat and pink carnation STOP payment as discussed STOP
come alone STOP will these games ever stop STOP
The Falcon


PIGGY SAYS:
The monkey's nose is bleeding STOP  The eagle flies at midnight STOP  Two coins in a fountain STOP Which one will the fountain bless STOP  I bent my wookie STOP  My breath smells like cat food STOP Our lips are sealed STOP Good night STOP And Good Luck STOP.

Signed,
Piggy





QUESTION:
March 4, 2006

Dear Piggy,
I'd like to buy the world a Coke. Who should I contact about that? Are
there any international laws or restrictions I should be aware of?
Signed,
Coca Cola Crazy


PIGGY SAYS:
Coke?  You want to buy the world a coke?  You haven't bought me a catnip-filled mouse, yet you want to blow your paycheck buying the world a coke?  I'm the one working my kitty-arse off here, trying to give you direction in life and you just pass me by, offering hospitality to the rest of the globe as I sit here mouseless!  And Coke of all products!  Don't EVEN get me started on THAT!  Did you know that Coke "allegedly" refuses union membership to its South American employees -and those who protest are "allegedly" met with "alleged" violence, condoned by the Coca Cola corporation, (allegedly, of course ---one can never be too careful.  I can't afford to get sued AGAIN!).  Don't focus your energy and hard earned money on a totalitarian corporation.  Don't go out of your way to buy the world anything!  What has the world bought for you??  No way man...  don't be foolish.  If all the people in the world sent you a gift then perhaps you could respond in kind... but if you're not getting anything, give nothing.  That's my philosophy.  Sacred words of The Pig!  I, however, have been kind enough to provide you with the gift of knowledge and insight.  You can just buy ME something.  If you are so hellbent on buying something for someone, go on out and get a Petsmart gift certificate --- of better yet, just hand over the cash. 

Signed,
Piggy

 

 

QUESTION:
March 4, 2006

 deeR pigEE
mEet mee atT The Big TRe 2 niTE i haV siRprEYES 4 u
tHee doG

PIGGY SAYS:
RIGHT!  "The Dog"!!!  Do you really think I'm going to fall for THAT one???  I know all about your secret files on me!  You've been tapping my calls and staking out my litterbox for weeks now!  I know this is the CIA or the FBI trying to pick me off!!!  I am aware of the Hoover legacy!  I am not a communist (that YOU'LL ever hear me admit to), and I am no terrorist.  I am just a simple kitty, giving advice to those in need.  I know it goes against your totalitarian regime and that is why I am fully aware of your "Operation Ix-Nay the Ig-Pay".  I know all about your tactics --remember the plots to kill Castro?  The exploding conk shells?  The poisonous lipstick --the James Bond stories???  Right --"The Dog" wants to meet me by the tree.  Uh huh.  I know all about you FBI/CIA types!  YOU CAN'T FOOL ME!!!! AND YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!!! (Insert maniacal laughter here).  Come and get me, CIA!!!!  Do your best!!!!!

Signed,
Piggy

 

 

QUESTION:
March 4, 2006

Dear Piggy,
Is it true that we are never gonna survive unless we all get a little crazy?
Signed,
Seal

PIGGY SAYS:
cra·zy   Audio pronunciation of "crazy" ( P )  Pronunciation Key  (krz)
adj. cra·zi·er, cra·zi·est

  1. Affected with madness; insane.
  2. Informal. Departing from proportion or moderation, especially:
    1. Possessed by enthusiasm or excitement: The crowd at the game went crazy.
    2. Immoderately fond; infatuated: was crazy about boys.
    3. Intensely involved or preoccupied: is crazy about cars and racing.
    4. Foolish or impractical; senseless: a crazy scheme for making quick money.   (source: www.dictionary.com)

Now... to what definition of crazy were you referring, Seal?  (If that IS your real name).  Are you promoting mental instability?  Is that the only way you can sell your records?  Are you a subversive trying to coerce the masses to follow you on your self-righteous path?  Are you the one who is crazy?  Isn't that what you'd all like us to think!  Are you some kind of Jim Jones, Charles Manson or David Koresh?  Is that the type of crazy you are trying to entice us into?  Well... I can tell you, Mr. that I am not about to slide down that slippery cult-like slope you are presenting!  You are the Willy Wonka of Crazytown and I will not unwrap that golden candy bar! 

Signed,
Piggy

QUESTION:
March 2, 2006

Dear Piggy,
I was wondering if you could settle a dispute between myself and my
significant other.  I feel we should be paying down our credit card debts
but he thinks we should be maximizing our RRSP contributions.  What do
you think?
Signed,
Common Cents

 

PIGGY SAYS:

Dear Common Cents,
How completely selfish! Both of you should be ashamed!  Money is for spending!  EVERYONE is in debt!  Don't worry about it!  SPEND your money today!  Who needs an RRSP?  You could get hit by a bus tomorrow and turned into roadkill --no savings would help you then!  (Trust me... I've seen roadkill -I was a kitten of the streets many moons ago!)  I say, forget the credit card payments AND the RRSP contributions!  If you are looking for a way to spend your cash, might I make a few suggestions:  1)There is always a local charity -for example, The Laurie Schultz Foundation.  2) Cash donations (or certified cheques) will always be accepted by yours truly.  3) I'd even take any contributions in the form of presents.  I do so enjoy a good stuffed mouse --or even a bouquet of flowers for nibbling.  Cat nip and Pounce treats always go a long way too.  There are plenty of ways for you to spend your money on me.  I can't believe you were going to be so selfish as to try and eliminate your debt, when I am here, working my kitty-arse off, at your beck and call, delivering advice to you at no charge!  Forget your debt and RRSPs.  Focus on me and what would make me happy. 

Signed,
Piggy

 

 

QUESTION:
March 2, 2006

Dear Piggy,
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow?
Love,
your little brother,
G-bone

PIGGY SAYS:

Jeebus!! What are you doing on my computer!?  Get off my desk!  Go and fetch me a mouse or something!  I'm working here!  Go bug Spanky.  I mean it!  Why do you always have to embarrass me?  Here I am, working my kitty-arse off, so I can help support you, and here you are, wasting my precious time.  Ingrate!  No IAMS for you today!  I don't know why you make me do this!  Believe me... this hurts me more than it hurts you!  Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!
Piggy